Conan O'Brien's Twitter account/Archive

The following archive presents all the tweets written by Conan O'Brien on his Twitter account.

February 2010
""Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me." -February 24, 2010"

""This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl. I was naked." -February 25, 2010"

""Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One." -February 26, 2010"

""http://twitpic.com/15ox1s - Good news! I can now spend quality time with my vintage '92 Ford Taurus. Bad news - I left yogurt in the trunk." -February 27, 2010"

""This is only my 5th tweet and I’m already exhausted. My God, how does Ashton do it?" -February 28, 2010"

""If anyone's curious what I look like with a beard, it's this ?:^(0) Coincidentally, that's also my ATM pin number." -March 1, 2010"

March 2010
""http://twitpic.com/1695g1 - This is how many people it took to write today's tweet: "Jumbo" shrimp? WTF!!" -March 2, 2010"

""I just had the fries at the McDonald's in Culver City near the Lady Foot Locker. SO AWESOME. If you can get there, ORDER THOSE FRIES." -March 3, 2010"

""This morning I applied for a job at Home Depot, but they couldn’t find an apron big enough to fit over my head. Tomorrow: Staples." -March 4, 2010"

""I've decided to follow someone at random. She likes peanut butter and gummy dinosaurs. Sarah Killen, your life is about to change." -March 5, 2010"

""Sarah likes Twizzlers and craves cantaloupe. I like Raisinets, but melon feels creepy in my mouth. Twitter pals 4 eva! :)" -March 6, 2010"

""If I had a show, I'd tweet about which Oscar winner is coming on tonight. Instead, here's my favorite frozen vegetable: Peas!" -March 8, 2010"

""http://twitpic.com/17lx53 - I no longer have health care. Could someone show this to a dermatologist and get back to me?" -March 9, 2010"

""OMG! My pal Sarah got bumped from Larry King for something called "Breaking News". Has the whole world gone insane?!" -March 10, 2010"

""Hey Internet: I'm headed to your town on a half-assed comedy & music tour. Go to http://TeamCoco.com for tix. I repeat: It's half-assed." -March 11, 2010"

Announcement of Tour
""Alert! Teamcoco.com is jammed with too much traffic. If you can't get on, go to http://ticketmaster.com to buy your tickets. See you soon." -March 11, 2010"

""We are now adding a second show in both NYC & Chicago. For that second show, I'll be doing all Liza Minnelli songs." -March 11, 2010"

""Hey everybody! We just added a second night in Boston. I did this so my parents could come. And one of my brothers." -March 11, 2010"

""Good news: Just added second shows in San Francisco, Seattle, Vancouver, and LA. Bad news: Still no show in Guam." -March 11, 2010"

""Tour preparations have begun. First step: Groupie auditions at Randy's Donuts off the 405 fwy. Knock twice on the white minivan." -March 12, 2010"

""Today I began my special tour diet: waffle batter, no veggies, and massive amounts of German blood sausage." -March 13, 2010"

""Remember everyone -- tonight at eleven set your clocks two hours back. Then at 2 am, a half hour forward. You're welcome." -March 14, 2010"

""I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry." -March 15, 2010"

""Hey sports fans, here's my NCAA pick: bet it all on the Savannah College of Art & Design. Go Fighting Acrylics!" -March 16, 2010"

""http://twitpic.com/19765a - Behold! My traditional St. Patrick's Day feast: 7 Guinness, frozen asparagus soup, and 2 pieces of spearmint gum." -March 17, 2010"

""There's some concern about my thumbnail from the last tweet. I injured the nail bed years ago and it never healed. Now you know my shame." -March 17, 2010"

""Are you a fan of up close awkwardness? If so, win a chance to meet me courtesy of @americanexpress. Details tomorrow. Good luck, dad." -March 18, 2010"

""Want to see an insecure celebrity avoid eye contact? Meet me courtesy of Amex: http://bit.ly/bEUqsh." -March 19, 2010"

""Sweet victory! I'm now trending higher than my twitter nemesis, Justin Bieber. Who's the tween heartthrob now?" -March 19, 2010"

""I just learned that retweets of my Bieber tweet mentioning Bieber actually help Bieber. Bieber, you're a worthy foe. Bieber." -March 19, 2010"

""I've added shows in Atlantic City and Vegas. Bieber plays Houston tomorrow. We circle each other like cobras." -March 20, 2010"

""As Bieber sleeps, I grow stronger. Sleep, Bieber. Sleep." -March 21, 2010"

""Damn! Bieber revealed that I'm opening for him with a Whitney medley. It was supposed to be a surprise. Advantage: Bieber." -March 22, 2010"

""I’m worried health care has pushed my Tour out of the headlines. I’m also worried my anti-delusion pills are wearing off. Need more pills." -March 23, 2010"

""http://twitpic.com/1ap96p - This is a chord I’ll play on my new tour. It’s a chord only I can make. It blew Slash’s mind." -March 24, 2010"

""http://twitpic.com/1avdlj - This is down the street from where we're rehearsing. I guess nothing sells liquor like a maniacal circus clown." -March 25, 2010"

""Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger." -March 26, 2010"

""sklfjslj;v999[aeae0c (my dog's first tweet)" -March 27, 2010"

""And the Lord said "On the 7th day thou shall not tweet." And he did not. And it was good." -March 28, 2010"

""Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time." -March 29, 2010"

""Night of #140Tweets is out now - all proceeds go to Haiti: www.itunes.com/140tweets. Today's asinine, pointless tweet of the day to come." -March 30, 2010"

""http://twitpic.com/1c1ulw - For the tour, I'm borrowing No Doubt's road cases. Wait until you hear my cover of "Just a girl"." -March 30, 2010"

""I'm confused by the new census form. There's no box for "Sickly White."" -March 31, 2010"

""Man, I am so tired. APRIL FOOL'S! I'm NOT tired. (I'm kind of tired)" -April 1, 2010"

April 2010
""http://twitpic.com/1cozv2 - In honor of Good Friday, I’ve hired a writer who looks like Jesus with a perm." -April 2, 2010"

""Just got the new iPad. This amazing device has already revolutionized the way I use a calculator." -April 3, 2010"

""I just celebrated the end of Lent by eating 22 sleeves of Peeps. My religion rocks!" -April 4, 2010"

""@justinbieber is tweeting about me again. He's obsessed! Which new song is about me, beebz? If it's "Eenie Meenie", we have a problem." -April 5, 2010"

""Apologies to Duke fans, but I really wanted Butler to win so I could write “The Butler Did It.”" -April 6, 2010"

""5 days to the opening of my tour. I don't want to over-hype this thing, but attendance will cure all known diseases." -April 7, 2010"

"" ]4 days to my first show. Eugene Oregon… Brace yourself for a towering tsunami of dry, self-deprecating humor." -April 8, 2010"

""Watching the Masters. I don't know how Matteo Manassero can play under this intense media scrutiny." -April 10, 2010"

""http://twitpic.com/1ezvfa - I'm in Eugene, OR and my room faces the theater where I debut tomorrow. The mob outside is in a frenzy." -April 11, 2010"

""The good news: I will be doing a show on TBS starting in November! The bad news: I'll be playing Rudy on the all new Cosby Show." -April 12, 2010"

Announcement of New TBS Show
""I'm in Vancouver for my second show. Thought I'd stir up some controversy by wearing my hat that says "Canada." http://twitpic.com/1fdmy7" -April 13, 2010"

""Welcome to the new http://teamcoco.com. Less predators than Craigslist, more predators than Facebook." -April 14, 2010"

""Taxes are due today and I'm in Canada. Just try to catch me, Uncle Sam!" -April 15, 2010"

""I just gave my waitress, Bambi, tickets to tonight's show in Spokane. Do I still have to tip her? http://twitpic.com/1g3u42" -April 16, 2010"

""I'm performing at the River Cree Casino just before Don Rickles. My comedy life is now complete." -April 17, 2010"

""Hayley Mills, Kourtney Kardashian, Melissa Joan Hart and I were all born on today's date. Coincidence? Or the new cast of Bad Girl's Club?" -April 18, 2010"

""It took a trip to the Seattle Fish Market to learn my skin color is "Halibut White." http://yfrog.com/1chalibutwhite1j" -April 19, 2010"

""Eddie Vedder's set at my show in Seattle last night melted my eyeballs. Seriously, I'm going to sue Eddie for boiling my ocular-jelly." -April 20, 2010"

""Today is my first real day off from touring. I'm home enjoying what my agent tells me is my family." -April 21, 2010"

""Doing a show in San Francisco. This is a chair in my dressing room. I'm not kidding. http://twitpic.com/1hmrl6" -April 22, 2010"

""I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now." -April 23, 2010"

""I'm doing my live show tonight from the Universal lot where I taped The Tonight Show. So if a shot rings out, tell my wife I loved her." -April 24, 2010"

""Jim Carrey rudely interrupted my power ballad last night. How did he get past security in a Superman outfit? Look here: http://teamcoco.com" -April 25, 2010"

""We've added a show in Michigan. Finally I get to perform in a state shaped like a fat guy's hand. For tix go here: http://breslincenter.com" -April 26, 2010"

""Who would invest in Goldman Sachs mortgage investments? I played it safe and bought Greek bonds and magic beans." -April 27, 2010"

""I just ran into Ellen DeGeneres on the Warner Bros lot and we played ping pong. I think she's really into me." -April 28, 2010"

""Today my tour takes me to San Diego. San Diego is Spanish for "You Can Attend College Classes Without a Shirt."" -April 29, 2010"

""I came in second to Lady Gaga in the Artist's category of the Time 100. Once again, I'm penalized for not wearing a bra that shoots fire." -April 30, 2010"

""I'm in Vegas - and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless it's a superflu pandemic that spreads thru the nation causing chaos & panic." -May 1, 2010"

May 2010
""Hey kids, check me out on '60 Minutes' tonight. Watch for the part of the interview where I start crying and admit to mail fraud." -May 2, 2010"

""Through the desert on my way to Reno, I passed an establishment called "Shady Ladies". I think it's either a brothel or a tree nursery." -May 3, 2010"

""I'm performing tonight at a dinner theater in Reno. Who says my career is in trouble? http://twitpic.com/1l342b" -May 4, 2010"

""I'm in San Jose and I'm going to visit Google. If you look up 'Google' on Google from Google, you see the face of God." -May 5, 2010"

""On my bunk in the Tour Bus, eating Doritos and watching Team America. Me happy. http://twitpic.com/1llcrp" -May 6, 2010"

""I got this bruise stage diving. It's called "Giving 100%." It's also called ”Total lack of depth perception.” http://twitpic.com/1lunvn" -May 7, 2010"

""If it ever says I’m following more than one person, I’ve been hacked. I’m a completely monogamous Twitterer—I only follow Sarah Killen." -May 8, 2010"

""Hey Mom, Happy Mother's Day! Hey Hallmark, screw you!" -May 9, 2010"

""Twitter exploded today! I guess my dream of a world where Twitter runs our stock market, phones, and nuclear defense is still a ways off." -May 10, 2010"

""I'm a simple man. I start every day with a cup of joe, the morning paper, and a lavender Pan-Asiatic body scrub from my man-servant, Lobo." -May 11, 2010"

""I've decided to start tweeting about major world events, so I just read four newspapers. Man, is it me or can Garfield be a real dick?" -May 12, 2010"

""I'm performing tonight in Dallas. Interesting thing about this town; no one really dresses like this. http://twitpic.com/1ni7ob" -May 13, 2010"

""I just realized that if Chazz Palminteri married Jason Mraz, it would mean... they loved each other very much." -May 15, 2010"

""I'm in Minneapolis for a show. Couldn't figure out why I've felt so aroused all day; then I realized that Prince lives here." -May 17, 2010"

""Here's a pic of me on the road. It's the cover of my upcoming acoustic CD "Mind Reflections". It's going to suck. http://twitpic.com/1owy89" -May 18, 2010"

""I'm in New York for a TBS network presentation. They just told me they're a basic cable network. WTF!!!?" -May 19, 2010"

""I'm in Chicago, the food capital of America, for one more night. Hang on, arteries, hang on!" -May 20, 2010"

""Today I finally meet Sarah Killen. It will be like Reagan meeting Gorbachev... If Gorbachev was a girl who liked Gummy Dinosaurs." -May 21, 2010"

""Pac-Man’s 30th birthday was marred by the sudden deportation of the Super Mario Bros. What were those fools doing in Arizona?" -May 22, 2010"

""Ben Stiller is having a charity auction, and he's included some of my TV props: http://bit.ly/eBayStiller. They make terrible wedding gifts." -May 23, 2010"

""Please don't tell me how "Lost" ended last night. I'm up to the part where they discover a hatch." -May 24, 2010"

""Today I got my 1,000,000th Twitter follower! I am now in the realm of Gods like Ashton, Bieber, Mariah, and updates on new Dell products." -May 25, 2010"

""BP's attempt to cap the oil gusher with mud and cement will be televised. Finally, something to fill the void left by "Lost" and "24"." -May 26, 2010"

""Tonight I perform in the talent show at my college reunion. So watch out, New England Institute of Cosmetology, I'm bringing my accordion." -May 27, 2010"

""My Celtics are in the finals! And by "my Celtics," I mean my 2nd cousins. They're all in the final stage of liver cirrhosis." -May 29, 2010"

""I am performing on the Jersey Shore tonight, so please only refer to me by my Jersey Shore nickname: "The Solution"." -May 30, 2010"

""What's your favorite Memorial Day memory? Mine is eating a jar and a half of sweet relish and then playing frisbee. Ahh, my early 40's." -May 31, 2010"

""I got to sign the Radio City signature book next to the Glee cast. Now I can forge all their signatures on checks. http://twitpic.com/1t4eqb" -June 1, 2010"

June 2010
""Last night's show was awesome. If you want to see me kick Stephen Colbert's ass in a manly dance off, go here: http://teamcoco.com" -June 2, 2010"

""Favorite movie: "The Parent Trap". Not the Disney one; the one by the guy who did the Saw movies. Ps: They don't make it out of the trap." -June 3, 2010"

""Ricky Gervais is working to stop bullfighting. As a former bullfighter, I now see the error of my ways. Go here to help http://bit.ly/9QSQkF" -June 4, 2010"

""Last night I was given a cake replica of my '92 Ford Taurus. My clunky cell phone was delicious. http://twitpic.com/1u7z71" -June 5, 2010"

""Our last casino show is tonight at Mohegan Sun, and I think it's finally time to do some REAL gambling: The seafood buffet." -June 6, 2010"

""Go Celtics! I'm naming my next child "Ray Allen Rajon Rondo O'Brien". Even if it's a girl." -June 7, 2010"

""I'm in Washington DC tonight - both to do a show and to testify about my affair with a congressional page. Lucas, I'm so sorry." -June 8, 2010"

""Jack White & I are doing something cool tomorrow. Hint: it involves a LOT of Tears for Fears songs. Details here: http://bit.ly/bDcImB" -June 9, 2010"

""At the famous Gruhn Guitars in Nashville, they let me play through Buddy Holly's 1958 Magnatone amplifier. I am ha http://twitpic.com/1vm850" -June 10, 2010"

""Here I am on the main stage at Bonnaroo, pointing out the last functioning Porta Potty. http://twitpic.com/1vxzvf" -June 11, 2010"

""Our Bonnaroo shows are done, and I made it out unscathed. Well, except for my three henna tattoos and contact dermatitis." -June 12, 2010"

""Our tour ends tomorrow, but Team Coco continues: Come laugh at my writers on 6/17: http://bit.ly/aSNjcK You can also laugh at their jokes." -June 13, 2010"

""Tonight was my last show of the tour. I want to thank my fans for making this such an incredible experience. Next time: more prison gigs." -June 14, 2010"

""My tour has ended and I'm having trouble adjusting. I just screamed at my wife because she wouldn't let me sign her boob." -June 15, 2010"

""The tour is over. As I stare at the horizon, the wind ruffles my beard gently." -June 16, 2010"

""There may not be a Smog Alert issued in Los Angeles today, but I am issuing something far worse: a Smug Alert. Celtics will take game 7." -June 17, 2010"

""I predicted the Celtics would win Game 7 and they did, by over 30 points. I watched it all on my special cable channel, Delude-O-Vision." -June 18, 2010"

""The past 2 months I’ve been on tour and haven’t followed the news. What’s with all the photos of chocolate pelicans?" -June 19, 2010"

""Happy Father’s Day. After I was born, my father renamed it “Happy ‘Don’t Try to Pin This One on Me’ Day.”" -June 20, 2010"

""Only one thing on Earth makes me afraid: When my rostral anterior cingulate cortex fails to dampen hyperactivity in my amygdala." -June 21, 2010"

""Yesterday was the longest day of the year, unless you count the time I interviewed Lance Armstrong." -June 22, 2010"

""@lancearmstrong - I was drunk. And I wanted some tips for smoother legs. Is that so wrong?" -June 22, 2010"

""“Rolling Stone” may have brought down the US military commander in Afghanistan. Worse, they only gave Miley’s new album 3 out of 5 stars." -June 23, 2010"

""Don’t underestimate the influence of the World Cup. I’m already adding a vuvuzela section to our TBS band." -June 24, 2010"

""11 years between “Toy Story’s” and 7 months between “Twilight’s.” By that measure, the “Jonah Hex” sequel should be out in 3 days." -June 25, 2010"

""Cable’s ability to attract top-tier talk show hosts continues. Welcome aboard, disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer!" -June 26, 2010"

""My writers' stand up special airs tonight at 10 on TBS. It's like watching my kids perform... if my kids were all neurotic men in their 30s." -June 27, 2010"

""Yesterday a Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000. Meanwhile, my dr's note saying I have a mild case of shingles just sits on e-Bay." -June 28, 2010"

""I’m #51 on Forbes “Celebrity 100.” To help you fully comprehend the enormity of my achievement, consider this: Judge Judy is only #72." -June 29, 2010"

""Larry King’s retiring after hosting “Larry King Live” for 25 years. Personally, I think hosting anything longer than 7 months is overkill." -June 30, 2010"

""I don't care where LeBron James ends up... As long as it's not at 11pm on TBS." -July 1, 2010"

July 2010
""Twilight Eclipse has been smashing box office records since it opened. For the record, I was sickly pale before it was cool." -July 2, 2010"

""Today's the 25th anniversary of "Back to the Future" - The movie that popularized DeLoreans, Flux Capacitors, & almost nailing your own mom." -July 3, 2010"

""Scholars have revealed Jefferson changed "Subjects" to "Citizens" in the Dec of Ind. Also, "Pursuit of Happiness" was "Score me some stank"." -July 4, 2010"

""This laptop is hot on my legs. I shall invent a space age Kevlar pad that protects my legs from heat. Or maybe I'll just put on pants." -July 5, 2010"

""My horoscope says I "never let a struggle stop me." At least that's what I think it says, I can't get the cookie all the way open." -July 6, 2010"

""The Queen recycled a dress for a ball in Toronto that she had previously worn before. Now to Google "monarch+nip slips"." -July 7, 2010"

""Congrats to my staff on 4 Emmy nominations. This bodes well for the future of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien." -July 8, 2010"

""Another perfect day in CA, the land of jobs & money. (Gov. Schwarzenegger has me at gunpoint. We're under the Santa Monica Pier. Send help.)" -July 9, 2010"

""A new study says that men who take drugs for ED have significantly more STDs. Also, men who take drugs for STDs have a lot of STDs." -July 10, 2010"

""Congratulations to Spain on their World Cup victory! May the streets run red with blood-orange sangria and ham!" -July 11, 2010"

""Major disappointment today: I discovered that all the episodes of "Fringe" that I DVRed are NOT about cool leather cowboy jackets." -July 12, 2010"

""I found a huge design flaw in my new iPhone. People get angry when I talk on it during a funeral." -July 13, 2010"

""The courts have slashed FCC policy, relaxing the ban on TV profanity. Coming this Fall to TBS: "Conan's G*d Damn F***ing Sh*t A**hole Hour"." -July 14, 2010"

""The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off." -July 15, 2010"

""Rest assured, I'm hard at work on the new studio. http://twitpic.com/25uh1q" -July 16, 2010"

""Today I am in San Francisco, where I will be honored with the 2010 Tribute Award at Sketchfest. I am getting laid tonight!" -July 17, 2010"

""My wife just had the ultimate celeb sighting: my reflection in a bowl of soup." -July 18, 2010"

""Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker/pedophile buffet." -July 19, 2010"

""UK PM in DC to talk BP with VP. Damn, I just lost my Twitter license." -July 20, 2010"

""It's the hottest July on record in New York City, unless you count that summer I wore short shorts." -July 21, 2010"

""Baskin-Robbins will be cutting 5 ice cream flavors at the end of July. Farewell, "Cadaver Chunk."" -July 22, 2010"

""In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.... But the three eyed man is still a g**damn freak." -July 23, 2010"

""There's a guy at Comicon wearing a sci fi costume who has a stunted emotional life. Arrest on sight." -July 24, 2010"

""Looking forward to watching Mad Men tonight. Christina Hendricks is the second sexiest redhead in Hollywood. Congrats, Ron Howard!" -July 25, 2010"

""An LSU professor has invented a remarkable cheap & effective homemade device that soaks up oil. It's called "Conan's face in high school"." -July 26, 2010"

""Angelina Jolie is joining Twitter. If she thinks she can lure away my core audience of young male teens she.....I'm screwed." -July 27, 2010"

""Starting to make big strides on the TBS show. We’re finally getting close to picking a host." -July 28, 2010"

""The Kindle 3 was released yesterday. I read about it on my iPad." -July 29, 2010"

""Ellen has walked away from a television institution after one year, but I’m sure it’s the right decision. Now, back to my model rocketry." -July 30, 2010"

""I may or may not be one of the secret celebrity guests at Chelsea Clinton's wedding; It depends how tight security is." -July 31, 2010"

""The President of the United States doesn't know who Snooki is. Our great empire continues to crumble." -August 1, 2010"

August 2010
""I refuse to see Inception because I am worried it will confuse me. I had trouble following "Marley and Me."" -August 2, 2010"

""BP’s ruptured oil well is almost plugged, and just as I was starting to enjoy the taste of petroleum-snapper." -August 3, 2010"

""Newsweek was just sold for $1. To show you how media has changed, the asking price for my twitter account is 65 billion dollars. Cash." -August 4, 2010"

""This next tweet was written by Matt Nedostup, the winner of our Team Coco Tweet Contest over at http://teamcoco.com. Congrats, Matt!" -August 5, 2010"

""Clash of the Titans on DVD features an alternate ending never seen in theaters. Also included is the original ending never seen in theaters." -August 5, 2010"

""Wyclef Jean has filed papers to run for President of Haiti. If his politics are as good as his rapping on "Hips Don't Lie", Haiti is saved." -August 6, 2010"

"""Elena Kagan got onto the Supreme Court with no previous judicial experience." That’s what I just wrote on my Brain Surgeon job application." -August 7, 2010"

""Jersey Shore has added a new woman to the cast for their next season. No word yet on whether or not she likes to party." -August 8, 2010"

""Ricky Gervais asked me to tweet that his movie Cemetery Junction is playing at Mann Theatre in Glendale. I refuse." -August 9, 2010"

""For those of you who are wondering, yes, this is a photo of me at 18: http://bit.ly/9yJ6zx. It's also a photo of me at 30. And 40." -August 10, 2010"

""My wife is out of town for a few days. When the cat's away, the mice will watch G String Divas." -August 11, 2010"

""My new bathroom at TBS has two railings around the toilet. Those idiots - I asked for four. http://twitpic.com/2e1cwa" -August 12, 2010"

""Lebron tweeted that he remembers everyone who's done him wrong. Or more specifically, everyone who told him to grow an Abe Lincoln beard." -August 13, 2010"

""Just booked the first guest for my new show. Tune in to see me cuddle a pygmy tufted-ear marmoset." -August 14, 2010"

""On JetBlue and the flight attendant just offered us "all the f***ing Terra Blue chips you a**holes can eat." Love this airline!" -August 15, 2010"

""Stallone's movie "The Expendables" is #1. Look for the movie coming out about my exploits in high school: "The Let'sBeFriendables"." -August 16, 2010"

""Today’s NY Post says I was spotted in NYC dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Whoever’s impersonating me—aim higher." -August 17, 2010"

""The NASA robot doing chores on the space station has its own Twitter account. I'm glad to see NASA is still shooting for the stars." -August 18, 2010"

""The FDA egg recall has hit a total of 380 million eggs. I can’t wait till they find the tired, evil hen that did this." -August 19, 2010"

""I came into my office today and Andy had hung this over my desk. He apparently has a lot of them. http://twitpic.com/2giosz" -August 20, 2010"

""My writers are nominated tonight at the Creative Arts Emmys. Win or lose, it's an honor just knowing none of them will get laid." -August 21, 2010"

""In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian says her "entire body is hairless". Sounds like she went into a salon and asked for "The O'Brien"." -August 22, 2010"

""Stallone is still on top! Our reward: more Planet Hollywoods." -August 23, 2010"

""Lady Gaga just passed Britney Spears as the person with the most Twitter followers. In a related story, I'm closing in on LeVar Burton!" -August 24, 2010"

""LeVar Burton wants to start a Twitter war with me. I don't have time to feud with anyone who appeared in the Cameo "Word Up" video." -August 25, 2010"

""Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for tweeting. I'm going to miss you guys." -August 26, 2010"

""When Churchill said "Difficulties mastered are opportunities won", I don't think he had ever tried to "sext" on an iPhone." -August 27, 2010"

""I may be jumping into this whole Muslim controversy a little late, but really? He's going to call himself Kareem Abdul Jabbar?" -August 28, 2010"

""Hey gang! I'm off to The Emmys on NBC! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -August 29, 2010"

""A huge victory for me at last night's Emmys. That's right, my wife let me have the aisle seat." -August 30, 2010"

""I was going to announce the name of my new show today, but my lawyers tell me "The Return of Nanny McPhee" is taken. Tune in tomorrow." -August 31, 2010"

""I announced the name of my show today right here: http://bit.ly/cc3jhU (Spoiler alert: The words "Tonight" and "Show" aren't in it.)" -September 1, 2010"

September 2010
""Now that you know the name of my new show, I'd like you to please welcome our very first sponsor: Utz Pub Mix http://bit.ly/aBtszp" -September 2, 2010"

""Facebook is trying to trademark the word "Face". I am going to trademark the word "aceboo", and then wait for the dollars to roll in." -September 3, 2010"

""Craigslist has shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting." -September 4, 2010"

""Just spent all day at Legoland. It was so much fun, next time I think I'll bring my children." -September 5, 2010"

""It's the last weekend of summer, unless you live in LA, where it's the 198,789,960 weekend of summer. Chew on that, Halifax, Nova Scotia." -September 6, 2010"

""Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot wearing only raw meat. When she does it, it's art - when I do it, it's "Daddy, you ruined another BBQ."" -September 7, 2010"

""Today I'm meeting @ev, the CEO and co-founder of Twitter. I bet he's going to invite me to get in on the ground floor of this whole thing." -September 8, 2010"

""I'm noticing that tweets with certain names and topics are more popular. Bieber Gaga Kardashian breast. Glee." -September 9, 2010"

""Great game last night. Brett Favre fell on two loose balls and that was in the locker room." -September 10, 2010"

""Watching reruns of the Dukes of Hazard, drinking beer, and sitting with my wife, whose ankles are exposed. #suckitalqaeda" -September 11, 2010"

""Kim Kardashian is mad that Playboy released nude photos of her. I know how she feels--I still haven’t forgiven “Pasty Gent Monthly.”" -September 12, 2010"

""Many of my writers took Rosh Hashanah off, but now it’s nice to see Andres Gomez and Muhammad Rama back at work." -September 13, 2010"

""If you've ever wanted to ask me a question, other than "Why are your legs so much longer than your torso?", go to http://bit.ly/a0bUDj" -September 14, 2010"

""Just got back from the worst orgy ever—it was “business casual.”" -September 15, 2010"

""Tomorrow is Friday. In Spain, the phrase TGIF would be GADQEV. I’m saying we’re lucky to be Americans." -September 16, 2010"

""Is it just me, or has Yom Kippur become way too commercial?" -September 17, 2010"

""It was so foggy in L.A. this morning, I accidentally kissed Matthew Perry on the street. Accidentally." -September 18, 2010"

""I love jokes off the news. "SEC Seeks to Reinstate Debt Rules." Hee hee." -September 19, 2010"

""The Tea Party candidate who won the Delaware primary opposes masturbation. And they call themselves patriots…" -September 20, 2010"

""Today I answered my fan Lance Pelletier's question. Next week could be yours. Watch the video & submit questions here: http://bit.ly/a0bUDj" -September 21, 2010"

""Fall officially starts today in Los Angeles. Time to put away my shorts and break out my slightly thicker shorts." -September 22, 2010"

""I like to think of myself as a taller, paler, freckled, non-Italian Danny DeVito." -September 23, 2010"

""We shouldn’t name hurricanes. It only encourages them." -September 24, 2010"

""Today Sarah Killen is getting married. I got her a Hamilton Beach dual wave blender. Thank you, Craigslist!" -September 25, 2010"

""Rmbr – dooont Twet whljik you driv. It is dngrou7s" -September 26, 2010"

""Lost a twenty dollar bet on the Raiders. I was sure the Tusken Raiders were in all 3 “Star Wars” prequels." -September 27, 2010"

""Today I answer another fan question in a new video. And no, it's not "why do you own nightvision goggles?" Watch here: http://bit.ly/dhlzZm" -September 28, 2010"

""The Wall Street sequel made 19 million this past weekend. Of course, some of that is federal bail-out money." -September 29, 2010"

""David Hasselhoff was kicked off of “Dancing With the Stars.” He should stick to singing. I mean acting. I mean…" -September 30, 2010"

""The White House is proposing a way to spy on suspects while they're online. The plan is called "Signing them up for Facebook."" -October 1, 2010"

October 2010
""CNN’s Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that’s who we blame for Rick Sanchez." -October 2, 2010"

""Rahm Emanuel has left the White House to run for Mayor of Chicago. Wow, and I thought I was the only one moving to a lower-paying job." -October 3, 2010"

""Okay, I admit it. I find Meg Whitman’s ex-nanny weirdly attractive." -October 4, 2010"

""A lot of people are upset with me. Sorry, I should have warned you that my new desk washing promo is NSFW: http://bit.ly/aIQiE3" -October 5, 2010"

""We're flying a giant orange "CONAN" blimp over the baseball playoffs. Finally, subtlety in advertising. http://bit.ly/d5vKTo #theconanblimp" -October 6, 2010"

""The Chilean Miners could be released this weekend… just in time to see Michael Bolton sing on DWTS. Guys, what’s an extra day?" -October 7, 2010"

""The White House announced it's switching to solar power. As a result, 20% of Americans now think Obama is an Apollo-worshipper." -October 8, 2010"

""The Nobel Prize in Science has gone to scientists who created an ultra-thin carbon. Actually it's normal thickness, but wearing stripes." -October 9, 2010"

""After 9 hours driving from drug store to drug store, it hit me: no one sells Columbus Day decorations." -October 10, 2010"

""Watched “Boardwalk Empire” last night. Needs more Snooki." -October 11, 2010"

""Will Andy Richter return? This was the hardest web video I've ever had to make. Watch it right here: http://bit.ly/c7lohx" -October 12, 2010"

""Tried changing my Facebook status to “craving gumbo” but Facebook automatically changed it to “BOYCOTT THE FACEBOOK MOVIE. IT’S ALL LIES!”" -October 13, 2010"

""All of the Chilean miners have now been rescued. Geologists say the mine is now also a rich source of “man-stank”." -October 14, 2010"

""Last year for Halloween my daughter went as a witch. This year, she’s going as Christine O’Donnell." -October 15, 2010"

""To be honest – so far my Rocktober has been more of a SmoothJazztober." -October 16, 2010"

""The worst part of riding in a blimp: No bathrooms. The best part: Windows that open." -October 17, 2010"

""Saw Jackass 3D. Not as good as the book." -October 18, 2010"

""This week I answer another fan's question and punish my head writer in the process: http://bit.ly/cGrEgh" -October 19, 2010"

""There's a webcam in our offices streaming live all day @ www.teamcoco.com/live. If this takes off, it will replace the new show on TBS." -October 20, 2010"

""I saw that there was a dancing taco on our office web cam. I put a stop to it immediately. www.teamcoco.com/live" -October 20, 2010"

""Laugh hard and give harder--watch “Night of Too Many Stars” tonight on Comedy Central, and make a donation at http://bit.ly/bcWDrA" -October 21, 2010"

""You guys get to decide who'll be my very 1st guest on Nov 8th. Vote here: http://bit.ly/aQrreO. If the Nutcracker lady wins, I'm in trouble." -October 22, 2010"

""I hunt everything I eat. Yesterday, I shot a Cobb salad." -October 23, 2010"

""If NFL receiver Terrell Owens called timeout during overtime, it would be a TO TO in OT. Who says I don’t know football?" -October 24, 2010"

""Just read that gay Kristin Stewart fans call themselves “Krisbians.” Ah, that explains all those emails from “Conosexuals.”" -October 25, 2010"